Monday, December 14, 2009

Even Harder to Say....

I don't even know where to begin. I went to the doctor today and the U/S showed no baby. Just an empty sac. Looking at the screen was really like looking into my heart right now. Just a big black hole.
Well maybe not a black hole, but that is how it felt right then. I just don't understand. I still believe that God has a purpose and a plan and will use this heartache for good. I mean he promised that "All things work together for good for those who love Him" and all God's promises are Yes in Christ and they are mine to claim. In my heart I know this but in my head I just keep asking "Why?, How?, What?, When?" and I'm just not getting any answers.
I don't know what the future holds, I only know that I have to trust that God is not going to leave me here. I don't know how long I'm going to have to stick around these parts but I know that God will bring me out.
FYI-- The rest of this post is going to be a lot of random thoughts and ramblings so if you get lost I'm very sorry, I just have to get all of this out of my head so I can start to think more clearly and rationally again.
After loosing Gilbert we prayed about it and I asked God to give me a child when the time was right. And then in less than 3 months there is was- the answer- or so I thought. I thought that I would only get pregnant when it was time for us to add a new baby but then this. -- I guess really if we look at this scientifically, I was never Really pregnant. A baby never developed, just the sac, so I'm not really loosing a baby right now because there was never a baby to lose. -- But I feel like I'm loosing Hope. I know that I'm not the only person in the world to go through this and I know that so many others have gone through worse. I know that I should just be grateful for the three beautiful children that we have been blessed with, and I am, I truely am. I know that there are so many who haven't been able to have a child of their own and my heart aches for them all. Here's the reason that it's so hard for me to see the hope right now- other than the obvious. Ben leaves in three weeks. That means that there is no chance that we will be able to conceive again till after July. Not too bad, but then we are scheduled to move in November so life will be terribly stressful for a month or so while we get the kids settled in school and settled into a new town. I know that if it's God's will then we will have another baby, I just can't see it. I can't see when a new baby would fit. I don't normally think about things in this way but right now I am. Normally I think that you can't plan things like kids- There's never really a right time, God is the only one that knows the proper time for everything. But of course I'm still human and am only able to see what is in front of me and what I see is a lot of crazy stuff ahead. And lets face it I'm over 30 and pregnancies are not going to be as easy as they used to be, and the way it looks now, the soonest I'll be prego again will be 33 and if things get as crazy as I'm sure they are going to be it could be another year.
Right now I just want it to be done. I don't want this thing inside me anymore. I hate having all these hormones surging through my body without having a baby to be the cause. Why did it have to happen at all? It would have been hard not to get pregnant but at least I wouldn't have gone through weeks of hoping and worrying and wondering. I started the meds this afternoon and have had a little bit of cramping but nothing that says- "this will be all over soon". I could have had a D&C but I didn't want to be put under again and since a D&C scrapes the uterus it can cause damage and it can take a long time to get a cycle back. So I decided as soon as she said that it was a Blighted ovum that I would use the cytotec. It's what we used with Gilbert and it was 11 hours from start to finish and she said that with true miscarriages it can take longer for the meds to work, so since this is not a true miscarriage it shouldn't take as long. It's been just over 5 hours and I've used half the meds, but I just now took a full dose (I used two half doses earlier because Ben was at work and I didn't want it to kick in too fast and then not be able to go get Lincoln from school at 3).
Okay so the rambling is done for now. I need to eat some dinner so I don't pass out from hunger. I will keep you all informed as to how it's going. Thank you for your prayers, it is greatly appreciated and even though our prayers for a healthy baby were not answered the way we wanted they were heard and God has answered- Not Yet.
God Bless you all
Update: At 10:30ish tonight I passed the sac after only a few hours of light cramping and some bleeding. The cramping was never worse than a normal period of which I am extremely grateful as I did not want to have to take any pain meds. I will now have to call the doc tomorrow to find out when to start blood work for my levels. I might even have another US this week to make sure that everthing has passed (though I'm quite confident of what I saw and examined rather closely- the details of which I will spare you from) Thank you for all who have been praying. I do know that God will work this too for His glory as long as I let Him- and even though it's hard to see beyond this day I am determined to let Him shine. All Hope is not lost, just the hope of this baby, but there is hope for another baby, someday, when God says it's time.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

This is Harder than you will ever know

Okay, so as much as I HATE to admit it, I must. It would be so easy for me to just not say anything at all or to lie through my teeth. (not that I'm a compulsive liar it would just be easier right now than to admit the truth) I have for so long now been the picture of faith- okay well maybe not the Mother Theresa type of faith, but still, I've stood strong and leaned hard on God and didn't let fear enter my mind. Yet, after an appointment yesterday I have to tell you that I am Scared! I'm not so much fearful, as I know that God has His hands all over this pregnancy and I know that He will carry me no matter what, but I am scared. I'm worried about this baby, I want absolutes and all I have are numbers, possibilities and probabilities. I want to know what is going to happen, will I carry this baby to term and deliver him and bring him home, or will I need to once again release this child back to the heavens? I definitely would not want to have to do the latter but I know that God would work through it and if I just knew maybe it wouldn't hurt as bad.
So before I keep going with this whole philosophical view point I should probably tell you about the appointment has made me scared.
So yesterday morning I went in for a surgery consult, and the doc said that he would do it but we had to get the go ahead from the OB since he was convinced that I would have to be on narcotic pain drugs for the post op pain.(Boy does he not even understand the power of my mind- but that's beside the point) So I then went down stairs for an appointment with my NP to find out if I've got a sinus infection- which I do. I then went to the OB clinic (this is definitely one of the good things about having the hospital here on base- I only have to go to one building for just about everything) and asked if I could get an early appointment so I could get the okay. There was an opening at 2:20 so I snatched it up.
Now I'm really wishing that I didn't. First, I waited for an hour because she was so backed up, then she came in and we did the exam and she started the ultrasound. It wasn't 30 seconds before I saw her face start to fall. I tried not to read anything into it but I couldn't help but think that something wasn't right. I couldn't see the screen so I had no idea what she was seeing. She turned the screen and showed me what she was looking at. I wish I took one of the pictures so I could show you all but I'll try to describe it. We could see the cervix all closed tight and long, and then the gestational sac (on most early scans it's the big black hole in the center of all the grey fuzzy stuff, where you would see the baby) but no definite baby or yolk sac. There was, on one side of the sac, a grey spot, but it was so small that the machine couldn't make it out or find a heartbeat on it. SO, of course my eyes instantly well with tears, and my mind went to that place. You know the one- the place where fear takes over and you can't breath or think right and all you want are answers, but no one seems to be able to give you any. As I sat there thinking the worst, the midwife in me kicked in and I told the doc that I wanted to have a quantitative blood test to make sure that my levels were right. Of course she agreed- not because she thought it was absolutely necessary but because she saw the fear in my eyes and knew that I needed some sort of absolute. So I went to the lab and gave them my blood and came home crying all the way. All I wanted was to get a quick look at this baby growing inside of me and to get the okay to have a small surgery and go home and relax. But instead I came home and tried very hard to pretend like everything was okay. -we just told Nathian about having another baby Saturday and the thought of him going though another loss breaks my heart even more than me having to go through the loss. I went out to the park with the family and threw the ball around but just couldn't get it off my mind. I waited for the call while Ben went to McDonald's to get food- I was in no mood to be in the kitchen. I texted a friend to ask her to pray, I watched my Day's of Our Lives recordings, trying anything to just stop thinking about it for 5 minutes but nothing helped. Finally, at 5:30 the phone rang and it was the doctor with the test results. My count was normal for early 6 weeks (according to my period I should be 6wks 5days today but I know that I ovulated on day 17 or 18 instead of the "normal" 14 so that makes me more like 6/1). I was going to do blood work again tomorrow but instead she really wants me to just come in next week for another scan. At first I really wanted to just do the blood work but as I thought about it she was right- I could do blood work but then I would be waiting and worrying for 3 hours every other day and that's not good for a growing baby, so I will be calling tomorrow morning on her orders to make an appointment for next week to do another scan.
All that said, I'm still scared. There are no guarantees in life and pregnancy is no different. I just want to be confident that this is the baby that we will bring home. Now, being scared is not new to me. When I had Nathian, Lincoln and Mia, I was terrified, absolutely beside myself some days with worry. With Gilbert though, I wasn't worried at all. Seriously, I never thought that anything bad could happen, I thought that I was on easy street. Even when I started bleeding at 8 weeks I was scared for less than 18 hours, and when I started bleeding again at 10 wks I think I was scared for about an hour, I went right in and the OB was still at the hospital and we saw his beautiful heart and arms and legs wiggling around and I was fine. But God had other things in mind. I had to grow, and loosing Gilbert was what had to happen for me to grow. I know a lot of what God has been working out in me but I'm now wondering if He's also trying to work out the pride in me. I know that He is always working on my pride but with Gilbert I was so confident that it was almost prideful. I thought that my body was such a great baby maker and nothing bad could happen. But it did, and now I'm not as confident in my body. I know that I have to find a happy medium. There has to be a balance between knowing what my body has been made to do and knowing that God is bigger than it all. I know that my body can have babies- I've seen it, I've lived it, they're sleeping upstairs right now, but I also know that my body isn't perfect and I'm not promised that I will never have a miscarriage again only that God will carry me through it.
Wow, I hope someone is still reading and understanding after all that. If you are still with me I promise I'm almost done. I am scared, I have been trying so hard not to be but I can't help but feel a little scared right now. I know that God has got me right in the middle of His hand but I'm still human and I'm scared. I'm not scared so much of loosing the baby but more that I will not go through the miscarriage till after Ben leaves and I will be here by myself. If I'm here alone, how will I be able to care for Nathian, how will I be able to tell him that once again another baby is not going to come live with us. What is going to happen to his heart, if I have to tell him this right after his daddy has said goodbye for 6 months? My heart breaks just thinking about that.
Would you please pray with me about this. Yes I want this baby, I can't tell you how much I want this baby, but I want to be in the Center of God's plan Whatever that may be. So I'm asking for prayer not only for this baby but also for peace and strength to go through anything that God would have me go through. Thank you for lending me your ears (eyes) for a while and for bearing with me through all my ramblings. You guys mean so much to me and I don't even know who all of you are. God bless you all and I hope you are all having a fantastic Christmas so far. Jenn