Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Grief Stinks

Every time I think I'm fine and can move on and be a productive member of society, it hits me like a ton of brinks. There are so many people around me that are pregnant and as much as I want to be excited for them (and most of the time I really am) I just can't seem to muster up the well wishes. I see pregnant women in the store and just want to cry. When will this end? I'm so tired of being sad. I want to start Doulaing (not an actual word) at the hospital here but if I can't even walk through the hospital without tears streaming down my face How can I be with a mama as she welcomes her healthy baby.
I know that God has a great plan for all of this I just don't want to be sad anymore. I want to feel like myself again. I'm not sleeping, I'm gaining weight instead of loosing it (4lbs since the miscarriage) I'm irritable, my hormones are all out of whack, and I'm yelling at my kids all the time. This is not the kind of life I want. So when will it all end? When will the pain of this all go away? I know that it's only been 41days since we found out the Gilbert was gone, and I know that it takes time, but I don't have that kind of time. My husband works all the time, I have 3 kids that I have to be around for, and no money to go do anything even if I did have the extra time to take. I want to keep talking about Gilbert but I feel like no one is listening. Ben wont talk about it and he keeps asking me if I'm ovulating yet (I'm not on the pill and I haven't had a period so I'm tracking my LH to figure out if I'm cycling again) but I don't think he's asking because he wants to start trying again but rather because he doesn't. He keeps saying things about not being able to handle the 3 we have, or they're enough right now. I don't know how to ask him about it without it starting a fight. How can he say that 3 is too much with out me thinking that he didn't want Gilbert at all, and that he wasn't affected by his death.
Then there's the whole side of getting pregnant again. How do I move beyond the desire to have Gilbert back, to the desire to have another child. I don't want to get pregnant in order to replace Gilbert, yet so often that's what I think I'm doing subconsciously. I also feel like I'm wanting to be pregnant just to BE pregnant- to prove to myself that I can do it and that there's nothing wrong with me. But there is something wrong with me, I'm depressed, I don't want to admit it because of all the stigma that goes with it but it's true. There's no two ways about it. I have highs and lows, I get so annoyed so quickly, and I don't feel like doing anything most of the time.
Didn't want to write this post but I just had to. Since I haven't been able to talk about it, I had to blog about it. Maybe through this I can heal faster, and get over this hump, without having to go on any meds. Meds are good for some things but for this I really think that meds will just mask the issue and then if I go off the meds then I'll end up deeper in depression. Thank you all for listening to me. If you feel lead, please pray. I can't stay like this much longer.
God Bless you all