Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Grief Stinks

Every time I think I'm fine and can move on and be a productive member of society, it hits me like a ton of brinks. There are so many people around me that are pregnant and as much as I want to be excited for them (and most of the time I really am) I just can't seem to muster up the well wishes. I see pregnant women in the store and just want to cry. When will this end? I'm so tired of being sad. I want to start Doulaing (not an actual word) at the hospital here but if I can't even walk through the hospital without tears streaming down my face How can I be with a mama as she welcomes her healthy baby.
I know that God has a great plan for all of this I just don't want to be sad anymore. I want to feel like myself again. I'm not sleeping, I'm gaining weight instead of loosing it (4lbs since the miscarriage) I'm irritable, my hormones are all out of whack, and I'm yelling at my kids all the time. This is not the kind of life I want. So when will it all end? When will the pain of this all go away? I know that it's only been 41days since we found out the Gilbert was gone, and I know that it takes time, but I don't have that kind of time. My husband works all the time, I have 3 kids that I have to be around for, and no money to go do anything even if I did have the extra time to take. I want to keep talking about Gilbert but I feel like no one is listening. Ben wont talk about it and he keeps asking me if I'm ovulating yet (I'm not on the pill and I haven't had a period so I'm tracking my LH to figure out if I'm cycling again) but I don't think he's asking because he wants to start trying again but rather because he doesn't. He keeps saying things about not being able to handle the 3 we have, or they're enough right now. I don't know how to ask him about it without it starting a fight. How can he say that 3 is too much with out me thinking that he didn't want Gilbert at all, and that he wasn't affected by his death.
Then there's the whole side of getting pregnant again. How do I move beyond the desire to have Gilbert back, to the desire to have another child. I don't want to get pregnant in order to replace Gilbert, yet so often that's what I think I'm doing subconsciously. I also feel like I'm wanting to be pregnant just to BE pregnant- to prove to myself that I can do it and that there's nothing wrong with me. But there is something wrong with me, I'm depressed, I don't want to admit it because of all the stigma that goes with it but it's true. There's no two ways about it. I have highs and lows, I get so annoyed so quickly, and I don't feel like doing anything most of the time.
Didn't want to write this post but I just had to. Since I haven't been able to talk about it, I had to blog about it. Maybe through this I can heal faster, and get over this hump, without having to go on any meds. Meds are good for some things but for this I really think that meds will just mask the issue and then if I go off the meds then I'll end up deeper in depression. Thank you all for listening to me. If you feel lead, please pray. I can't stay like this much longer.
God Bless you all


Melanie said...

I am always glad to listen to how you feel, even if it's not pretty and even if I don't know what to say.

I do see at least part of God's plan, or maybe it's just a little bit of the good that comes out of this, but you will now be a better doula/midwife because of Gilbert. You aren't there yet, but once you reach the top of that mountain you will have the strength and the words for others like you. If while doing your job a baby doesn't make it, you will be able to offer the mother something that you otherwise couldn't, because nobody knows what that feels like until they've been there. Everytime you help a parent cope and make it through, it will make you think of Gilbert and smile, and his death will never be in vain.

It's definitely going to take awhile, and you need to let yourself be sad. Don't let anyone tell you that it's been long enough, or that it's time to move on because only you and God know when that is. But remember that you are still a mother with three children who need you, and you are still a wife with a husband that lost something too. You are not just a mother of a baby in heaven, not now, not ever. You are much more than that so you can't define yourself as such as I have seen so many do because that will definitely stop you from being healthy. And men, they process and deal so much differently than we do. Whether he wanted Gilbert at the time or not doesn't matter; he still lost his child. Maybe the three are a lot to deal with right now for him because he's having such a hard time processing the loss. Men like to fix things, but this is something he can't fix.

It may seem like a lot of knowledge from someone who knows nothing about losing a child, but I know someone who went through what you are going through now. I just learned from her basically what not to I said, she defined herself only as a mother of a dead child, forgot her husband, and relied on herself instead of God which has led her to be very broken. It makes me so sad and I don't want to see that happen to anyone else.

If your husband would do it, he should see a therapist who specializes in this. I know the base usually has programs.

That's all for now. I am feeling like a know-it-all and don't want to be. I just want to make sure you are okay. True I barely know you yet, but I care. You are a very good person.

I am here if needed. If you'd like my email, just ask.

You will be okay. Not today, not tomorrow but someday soon, you will be happy again.

Diana said...

Yes, thank you for inspiring me to change my blog name! The great thing is that when I took the picture of my sink, I actually had to pull dishes out of the dishwasher to put in the sink. :)

I hope these past couple days have been good days for you!

Diana said...

Oh, and I would love to take pictures for you guys for Christmas, or any time! I love taking pictures, and I love getting the practice with people who will be patient with me. So, family pictures, birthday pictures of the kids, maternity pictures when you're blessed with another one - I'd be up to anything!