Sunday, February 21, 2010

The Everyday and the Day after Tomorrow

I haven't posted anything is quite sometime and I really don't know why. There has been so much on my mind and heart lately that posting would have been good for me, but instead I have just kept it all inside, trying to sort out all the feelings and thoughts. I haven't been feeling too creative lately either. I have felt so off these past couple months and though it would seem that anyone who has dealt with what I have in the last 6 months would be a bit off their game, it's just not ME. I normally bounce back pretty quickly but not this time. This time things have been happening so fast that I can't seem to keep up even with the everyday. I have been trying to do a little each day but then a day comes and I just don't have the energy so I do nothing but what is absolutely necessary and then somehow that one day turns into 3 and there is just so much that needs to be done. So then, of course, I have to spend hours doing all the work that I didn't do and I'm so drained once I'm done that I don't want to do anything else for the next couple days. And so the cycle continues. The every day cleaning and taking care of the kids seems more than I can take.

Please don't think that I'm sitting here having a pity party for myself, I'm not, I really want to be able to handle it ALL but I just can't. Ben left so quickly after the miscarriage in December I haven't had the time that I really needed to process my feelings. I know that God has a HUGE plan in store for me, a ministry that I could never imagine having. I know this in my heart, in the deepest part of me, yet it's been shadowed by all these feelings of self doubt and fear and anger and jealousy. 

So, How do I get out of this place?  I want feel normal, I want to stop obsessing over this.  I want to be able to hear that someone is pregnant and not break down.  I just found out today that someone close to me is pregnant and I can't even bring myself to call her, or even send her an email, because even though I'm happy for them and I am so glad that God is blessing them yet again, I can't stop thinking that I just wish that she could know what I'm feeling- and even though I would never want anything to happen to her baby, there's just part of me that wishes that she had also gone through a miscarriage, just so she could know the sting of it.  She couldn't even tell me, she had my mom call and tell me, and she didn't even know if she should tell me know or wait till my mom came out here to visit.She just didn't want to hurt me, she knows how much I want my babies back.  I am glad she told me, I would have hated to have found out later through some random Facebook post.

On to other not so introspective things---

So now even though I haven't been really in a creating mood, I have been thinking about different things that I would LOVE to make.  For starters I want to make some silk and satin slip/nightgowns.  I am so in love with the one that I have but it doesn't fit my bust as nicely as I would like (since it was made for one).  I also have a whole bunch of embroidery floss that I will never use to do another needle point (those things just get on my nerves) so I am going to use them to crochet some things. I haven't decided exactly what yet but I'm thinking about a little change purse and maybe a cosmetic bag for my purse.  There are a bunch of baby things that I want to make but I know that starting on any of them  right now would just make me feel worse- but when I start feeling more ready I have a lot of things I want to work on-I will share more when I'm ready to start on them, though some may stay secret for a while since I have some gifts in mind.  And, oh the things I want to build-- I want to build a sewing table, the kind where I can fold down the sewing machine. I have a desk that could probably be turned into a sewing table but as of right now I don't have the place or the time to work on it. Well and I might have to get a new sewing machine- yep that's right, my almost 8 year old cheap walmart machine is finally thinking about giving out on me.  It's making a really horrible sound and I'm not sure where it's coming from but I do know that if my car was making the same noise I would be taking it straight to the mechanic.  So with that, I have to wait to make the table when I have another machine since the hole and the drop down mounting thing comes in different sizes.   I also have a little side table that I got from freecycle that I adore, but I only have one and I want two. But once again no place or time to work on it.  I have to refinsh this one and it also needs to be fixed up a bit so as I take it apart I will get all the measurements and stuff so that just as soon as I get the time and space to build another I will have the hard part done. 

So with that I will go to bed and get some much needed rest.  Sorry for the randomness and my crazy obsession with trying to figure things out.  I don't even know if anyone reads my blog but for who ever is reading , thanks and I am planning to have some more upbeat and enlightened posts soon. 
God Bless you all


Anonymous said...

Hi I just recently started following your blog, and have been thru a loss at 18wks because of Incompetent cervix, it helps me not feel so ALONE in missing my little girl when I meet or read other tragic stories of loss. I understand the emotions you are feeling and really hope that you get tp have more good days than bad ones. I have days when the pain is so strong that I feel like I can't breathe or don't want to anymore and then days when I can smile and say I have a littel girl she is just in gods arms instead of mine. I see baby girls everywhere and it takes my breath away. I have the same sort of thoughts when I hear someone is pregnant with a girl I kind of have this why her thought and it is hard for me to be happy for that person even though they deserve as much as I did and maybe more.