I don't even know where to begin or what to say. My heart has never hurt this much. How is it possible to miss someone you never got a chance to meet while they're still nessled warm inside you? I just heard his heart on Tuesday and felt him move inside me, how can he be gone?
How do you heal from this kind of loss? How do I talk to the kids about it without breaking down completely? How do they heal? How do you move on and go about the everyday when your little boy is still inside your womb. How do I not blame myself? The nurse who did the ultra sound told me that it looked like something happened with the placenta. But how do I not think that it was the Motrin I took for the migraines, or the benadryl that I had every night. How do I not wonder if thing would have turned out different had I just went ahead with all the prenatal test at the beginning? How do I not think that maybe because I so much wanted a girl that I somehow unconsciously spoke death over my little boy? How do I not ask WHY everytime I see another pregnant woman?
I don't know any of the answers, not even one, But I am thankful that I know the ONE who knows all the answers to all my questions.
It soothes my doubts and calms my fears,
And it dries all, all my tears.
The blood that gives me strength from day to day,
It will never lose its power.
As hard as it is to believe right now that God will work this out for His glory I have to. If I don't hold on to His faithfulness I know that it would be easy to fall into the trap that Satan is trying to set for me. I really just feel like crawling in bed and not coming out ever again but that is exactly what I can't do. I will take a few days to be alone with my family and some time by myself but I know that I have to get back in the world and show Satan that he will not get the upper hand. God will prevail!!! Jesus conquered death, hell and the grave. I will see my baby boy again someday, but for now he rest in the arms of my savior, who loves him more than I could ever love him.
I'm now going to sit and eat pizza with my husband and my three amazing children.
Give your babies another kiss tonight and always remember that we are not promised tomorrow only that Jesus would be with us always.
I am a student midwife at Ancient Art Midwifery Institute, I have three beautiful children 7,5, and 3 with one on the way. I am a military wife which I love (some times). I love to make things mostly because I hate to spend money buying things. And I love God more than life.