Friday, July 24, 2009

HOW?

I don't even know where to begin or what to say. My heart has never hurt this much. How is it possible to miss someone you never got a chance to meet while they're still nessled warm inside you? I just heard his heart on Tuesday and felt him move inside me, how can he be gone? How do you heal from this kind of loss? How do I talk to the kids about it without breaking down completely? How do they heal? How do you move on and go about the everyday when your little boy is still inside your womb. How do I not blame myself? The nurse who did the ultra sound told me that it looked like something happened with the placenta. But how do I not think that it was the Motrin I took for the migraines, or the benadryl that I had every night. How do I not wonder if thing would have turned out different had I just went ahead with all the prenatal test at the beginning? How do I not think that maybe because I so much wanted a girl that I somehow unconsciously spoke death over my little boy? How do I not ask WHY everytime I see another pregnant woman? I don't know any of the answers, not even one, But I am thankful that I know the ONE who knows all the answers to all my questions. It soothes my doubts and calms my fears, And it dries all, all my tears. The blood that gives me strength from day to day, It will never lose its power. As hard as it is to believe right now that God will work this out for His glory I have to. If I don't hold on to His faithfulness I know that it would be easy to fall into the trap that Satan is trying to set for me. I really just feel like crawling in bed and not coming out ever again but that is exactly what I can't do. I will take a few days to be alone with my family and some time by myself but I know that I have to get back in the world and show Satan that he will not get the upper hand. God will prevail!!! Jesus conquered death, hell and the grave. I will see my baby boy again someday, but for now he rest in the arms of my savior, who loves him more than I could ever love him. I'm now going to sit and eat pizza with my husband and my three amazing children. Give your babies another kiss tonight and always remember that we are not promised tomorrow only that Jesus would be with us always. Good night

4 comments:

toothgirl00 said...

I had to carry my little guy for a week and it was the toughest week of my life and would never wish it on anyone. All you can do is give it to God and know that you are still the babies mother and that he is an angel that you will never forget. The emotional loss and guilt and anger and questioning you go through will probably never go completely away. I am so sorry for your loss and hope the rest of it will go quickly for you. We will for sure keep you in our prayers and if you need to talk to someone who went through it, almost exactly, I saw and heard the baby on Tues the 28th and when I went to go see it on the 30 and it was a perfect baby there with no heartbeat, you have my number. "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding"
Alvin and Becky Cardoza

Diana said...

I know you read "Bring the Rain," so you may already know the song I'm going to mention. Angie has a song on her blog called "Glory Baby." It always spoke to me every month we found out we weren't pregnant, and I know that is nothing compared to what you have just experienced. Know that heaven will be his only home - and heaven will be holding him until you are able. You will see your angel baby again someday, he'll just have heaven before we do, and in the meantime there are so many of us who cry with you and love you the best we can.
I understand (to some degree) the questioning you are doing. For ages I thought I deserved my infertility, or that it was punishment. All of that, and each question you are asking, is a lie from the devil. You DO NOT deserve this. You DID NOT bring this on yourself. We may never know God's purpose in this, but please, please keep trusting Him and don't fall into believing lies.
"Sorry" doesn't even begin to cover it, but I am so sorry you are experiencing this. I love you and I am praying for you. I'm here if you need anything.

Maukingbird said...

Honey, I know how hard this is. Josh and I love you guys and will be praying for you. Wish I could be there to give you a hug!

The Dickson Family said...

Oh, Jen--my heart is breaking for you! Please know that I am praying for you as you walk this rough road.

Julie Dickson