Monday, December 14, 2009

Even Harder to Say....

I don't even know where to begin. I went to the doctor today and the U/S showed no baby. Just an empty sac. Looking at the screen was really like looking into my heart right now. Just a big black hole.
Well maybe not a black hole, but that is how it felt right then. I just don't understand. I still believe that God has a purpose and a plan and will use this heartache for good. I mean he promised that "All things work together for good for those who love Him" and all God's promises are Yes in Christ and they are mine to claim. In my heart I know this but in my head I just keep asking "Why?, How?, What?, When?" and I'm just not getting any answers.
I don't know what the future holds, I only know that I have to trust that God is not going to leave me here. I don't know how long I'm going to have to stick around these parts but I know that God will bring me out.
FYI-- The rest of this post is going to be a lot of random thoughts and ramblings so if you get lost I'm very sorry, I just have to get all of this out of my head so I can start to think more clearly and rationally again.
After loosing Gilbert we prayed about it and I asked God to give me a child when the time was right. And then in less than 3 months there is was- the answer- or so I thought. I thought that I would only get pregnant when it was time for us to add a new baby but then this. -- I guess really if we look at this scientifically, I was never Really pregnant. A baby never developed, just the sac, so I'm not really loosing a baby right now because there was never a baby to lose. -- But I feel like I'm loosing Hope. I know that I'm not the only person in the world to go through this and I know that so many others have gone through worse. I know that I should just be grateful for the three beautiful children that we have been blessed with, and I am, I truely am. I know that there are so many who haven't been able to have a child of their own and my heart aches for them all. Here's the reason that it's so hard for me to see the hope right now- other than the obvious. Ben leaves in three weeks. That means that there is no chance that we will be able to conceive again till after July. Not too bad, but then we are scheduled to move in November so life will be terribly stressful for a month or so while we get the kids settled in school and settled into a new town. I know that if it's God's will then we will have another baby, I just can't see it. I can't see when a new baby would fit. I don't normally think about things in this way but right now I am. Normally I think that you can't plan things like kids- There's never really a right time, God is the only one that knows the proper time for everything. But of course I'm still human and am only able to see what is in front of me and what I see is a lot of crazy stuff ahead. And lets face it I'm over 30 and pregnancies are not going to be as easy as they used to be, and the way it looks now, the soonest I'll be prego again will be 33 and if things get as crazy as I'm sure they are going to be it could be another year.
Right now I just want it to be done. I don't want this thing inside me anymore. I hate having all these hormones surging through my body without having a baby to be the cause. Why did it have to happen at all? It would have been hard not to get pregnant but at least I wouldn't have gone through weeks of hoping and worrying and wondering. I started the meds this afternoon and have had a little bit of cramping but nothing that says- "this will be all over soon". I could have had a D&C but I didn't want to be put under again and since a D&C scrapes the uterus it can cause damage and it can take a long time to get a cycle back. So I decided as soon as she said that it was a Blighted ovum that I would use the cytotec. It's what we used with Gilbert and it was 11 hours from start to finish and she said that with true miscarriages it can take longer for the meds to work, so since this is not a true miscarriage it shouldn't take as long. It's been just over 5 hours and I've used half the meds, but I just now took a full dose (I used two half doses earlier because Ben was at work and I didn't want it to kick in too fast and then not be able to go get Lincoln from school at 3).
Okay so the rambling is done for now. I need to eat some dinner so I don't pass out from hunger. I will keep you all informed as to how it's going. Thank you for your prayers, it is greatly appreciated and even though our prayers for a healthy baby were not answered the way we wanted they were heard and God has answered- Not Yet.
God Bless you all
Update: At 10:30ish tonight I passed the sac after only a few hours of light cramping and some bleeding. The cramping was never worse than a normal period of which I am extremely grateful as I did not want to have to take any pain meds. I will now have to call the doc tomorrow to find out when to start blood work for my levels. I might even have another US this week to make sure that everthing has passed (though I'm quite confident of what I saw and examined rather closely- the details of which I will spare you from) Thank you for all who have been praying. I do know that God will work this too for His glory as long as I let Him- and even though it's hard to see beyond this day I am determined to let Him shine. All Hope is not lost, just the hope of this baby, but there is hope for another baby, someday, when God says it's time.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

This is Harder than you will ever know

Okay, so as much as I HATE to admit it, I must. It would be so easy for me to just not say anything at all or to lie through my teeth. (not that I'm a compulsive liar it would just be easier right now than to admit the truth) I have for so long now been the picture of faith- okay well maybe not the Mother Theresa type of faith, but still, I've stood strong and leaned hard on God and didn't let fear enter my mind. Yet, after an appointment yesterday I have to tell you that I am Scared! I'm not so much fearful, as I know that God has His hands all over this pregnancy and I know that He will carry me no matter what, but I am scared. I'm worried about this baby, I want absolutes and all I have are numbers, possibilities and probabilities. I want to know what is going to happen, will I carry this baby to term and deliver him and bring him home, or will I need to once again release this child back to the heavens? I definitely would not want to have to do the latter but I know that God would work through it and if I just knew maybe it wouldn't hurt as bad.
So before I keep going with this whole philosophical view point I should probably tell you about the appointment has made me scared.
So yesterday morning I went in for a surgery consult, and the doc said that he would do it but we had to get the go ahead from the OB since he was convinced that I would have to be on narcotic pain drugs for the post op pain.(Boy does he not even understand the power of my mind- but that's beside the point) So I then went down stairs for an appointment with my NP to find out if I've got a sinus infection- which I do. I then went to the OB clinic (this is definitely one of the good things about having the hospital here on base- I only have to go to one building for just about everything) and asked if I could get an early appointment so I could get the okay. There was an opening at 2:20 so I snatched it up.
Now I'm really wishing that I didn't. First, I waited for an hour because she was so backed up, then she came in and we did the exam and she started the ultrasound. It wasn't 30 seconds before I saw her face start to fall. I tried not to read anything into it but I couldn't help but think that something wasn't right. I couldn't see the screen so I had no idea what she was seeing. She turned the screen and showed me what she was looking at. I wish I took one of the pictures so I could show you all but I'll try to describe it. We could see the cervix all closed tight and long, and then the gestational sac (on most early scans it's the big black hole in the center of all the grey fuzzy stuff, where you would see the baby) but no definite baby or yolk sac. There was, on one side of the sac, a grey spot, but it was so small that the machine couldn't make it out or find a heartbeat on it. SO, of course my eyes instantly well with tears, and my mind went to that place. You know the one- the place where fear takes over and you can't breath or think right and all you want are answers, but no one seems to be able to give you any. As I sat there thinking the worst, the midwife in me kicked in and I told the doc that I wanted to have a quantitative blood test to make sure that my levels were right. Of course she agreed- not because she thought it was absolutely necessary but because she saw the fear in my eyes and knew that I needed some sort of absolute. So I went to the lab and gave them my blood and came home crying all the way. All I wanted was to get a quick look at this baby growing inside of me and to get the okay to have a small surgery and go home and relax. But instead I came home and tried very hard to pretend like everything was okay. -we just told Nathian about having another baby Saturday and the thought of him going though another loss breaks my heart even more than me having to go through the loss. I went out to the park with the family and threw the ball around but just couldn't get it off my mind. I waited for the call while Ben went to McDonald's to get food- I was in no mood to be in the kitchen. I texted a friend to ask her to pray, I watched my Day's of Our Lives recordings, trying anything to just stop thinking about it for 5 minutes but nothing helped. Finally, at 5:30 the phone rang and it was the doctor with the test results. My count was normal for early 6 weeks (according to my period I should be 6wks 5days today but I know that I ovulated on day 17 or 18 instead of the "normal" 14 so that makes me more like 6/1). I was going to do blood work again tomorrow but instead she really wants me to just come in next week for another scan. At first I really wanted to just do the blood work but as I thought about it she was right- I could do blood work but then I would be waiting and worrying for 3 hours every other day and that's not good for a growing baby, so I will be calling tomorrow morning on her orders to make an appointment for next week to do another scan.
All that said, I'm still scared. There are no guarantees in life and pregnancy is no different. I just want to be confident that this is the baby that we will bring home. Now, being scared is not new to me. When I had Nathian, Lincoln and Mia, I was terrified, absolutely beside myself some days with worry. With Gilbert though, I wasn't worried at all. Seriously, I never thought that anything bad could happen, I thought that I was on easy street. Even when I started bleeding at 8 weeks I was scared for less than 18 hours, and when I started bleeding again at 10 wks I think I was scared for about an hour, I went right in and the OB was still at the hospital and we saw his beautiful heart and arms and legs wiggling around and I was fine. But God had other things in mind. I had to grow, and loosing Gilbert was what had to happen for me to grow. I know a lot of what God has been working out in me but I'm now wondering if He's also trying to work out the pride in me. I know that He is always working on my pride but with Gilbert I was so confident that it was almost prideful. I thought that my body was such a great baby maker and nothing bad could happen. But it did, and now I'm not as confident in my body. I know that I have to find a happy medium. There has to be a balance between knowing what my body has been made to do and knowing that God is bigger than it all. I know that my body can have babies- I've seen it, I've lived it, they're sleeping upstairs right now, but I also know that my body isn't perfect and I'm not promised that I will never have a miscarriage again only that God will carry me through it.
Wow, I hope someone is still reading and understanding after all that. If you are still with me I promise I'm almost done. I am scared, I have been trying so hard not to be but I can't help but feel a little scared right now. I know that God has got me right in the middle of His hand but I'm still human and I'm scared. I'm not scared so much of loosing the baby but more that I will not go through the miscarriage till after Ben leaves and I will be here by myself. If I'm here alone, how will I be able to care for Nathian, how will I be able to tell him that once again another baby is not going to come live with us. What is going to happen to his heart, if I have to tell him this right after his daddy has said goodbye for 6 months? My heart breaks just thinking about that.
Would you please pray with me about this. Yes I want this baby, I can't tell you how much I want this baby, but I want to be in the Center of God's plan Whatever that may be. So I'm asking for prayer not only for this baby but also for peace and strength to go through anything that God would have me go through. Thank you for lending me your ears (eyes) for a while and for bearing with me through all my ramblings. You guys mean so much to me and I don't even know who all of you are. God bless you all and I hope you are all having a fantastic Christmas so far. Jenn

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

It's been too long

There has been a lot happening over the last couple months but I just haven't felt like blogging too much. I will try very hard to keep this short as to not make any of you pass out from boredom.
The last time we spoke I was still dealing with the grief and sadness of loosing Gilbert. It has been a very long process (not to make light of those of you who have been dealing with grief longer than 3 months like me) and even though I'm not completely beyond the sadness I am definantly on the other side looking out. I've said it before and I'll say it again, God is Faithful, only He can turn sorrow into Joy and I am so happy to tell you all that He has brought Joy back to our family.
I know it's might sound crazy to some but I am not at all scared to tell the world, that there is a baby growing inside my womb once again. I am only 3wks and 3 days along but I can't see any reason for keeping it to myself. My mom told me today that I shouldn't post it on Facebook untill I'm farther along. And I know that a lot of people don't tell anyone till they are past the 1st trimester thinking that they are out of the woods- but I was "Out of the Woods". I was 18wks that's 6 weeks into the 2nd trimester, and yet I still had to say goodbye to my baby boy. The way I look at it is like this, if I don't tell anyone and I loose this baby then I would have to go through the grief alone. But if I let the whole world know and still miscarry then I have a team of people there to lift me up and help me through. And if God wills that this baby comes home to live with us here then everyone will have been able to experience the joy with us from the very begining. And besides all of that, my belly is not staying tucked away for much longer.
Okay so the other stuff that I've been up to. Well I have almost finished my craft room. It's actually a storage closet but it's big enough for my desk and I put up more shelves so I can store all my fabric out in the open where I will be able to see it and be more inspired by it. I still have to get some storage stuff for the small stuff and then put everything away but it is so close to being done I can taste it -or is that saw dust in my mouth? Either way I'm pretty proud of my accomplishment. I will post a pic or two once it's all done. I also finished the dress for my best friends wedding. I know it sounds crazy but I don't have any pictures of it on me other than a few of the wedding pics that are on my friends FB page I did however hij*ck one of them just for all of you.

I was/am very proud of how it turned out. My mom was actually shocked that it turned out so well. The entire time that I was making it she kept telling me that I should go look at dresses at the shops "just in case". I really don't think she thought that I could pull it off. But I did and it is beautiful and yes it's still in the suitcase.

The day I got back from Nashville we got the call that Lincoln could start pre-school on base the very next day. So now I have two in school though Lincoln goes in at noon and nathian gets out at 2 I still have 2 hours with out any kiddos in my hair. (not that they ever get on my nerves you know cause I have just the most well behaved children who listen to everything I say and do everything I ask them to the first time-but I digress) I thought it was going to be very difficult with the times but it's turning out pretty good. Nathian either rides or walks to and from school with the neighbors. Till Christmas break I am carpooling with another mom to take Lincoln and her daughter "K" to and from pre-school we are taking turns on the pick up and drop off and the kids are loving it. It works great for Mia too since her nap time doesn't get too screwed up.

There is a lot more going on but this is getting long so I will leave you for now but I promise I will not be gone as long this time (to those of you who care).

God Bless

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Grief Stinks

Every time I think I'm fine and can move on and be a productive member of society, it hits me like a ton of brinks. There are so many people around me that are pregnant and as much as I want to be excited for them (and most of the time I really am) I just can't seem to muster up the well wishes. I see pregnant women in the store and just want to cry. When will this end? I'm so tired of being sad. I want to start Doulaing (not an actual word) at the hospital here but if I can't even walk through the hospital without tears streaming down my face How can I be with a mama as she welcomes her healthy baby.
I know that God has a great plan for all of this I just don't want to be sad anymore. I want to feel like myself again. I'm not sleeping, I'm gaining weight instead of loosing it (4lbs since the miscarriage) I'm irritable, my hormones are all out of whack, and I'm yelling at my kids all the time. This is not the kind of life I want. So when will it all end? When will the pain of this all go away? I know that it's only been 41days since we found out the Gilbert was gone, and I know that it takes time, but I don't have that kind of time. My husband works all the time, I have 3 kids that I have to be around for, and no money to go do anything even if I did have the extra time to take. I want to keep talking about Gilbert but I feel like no one is listening. Ben wont talk about it and he keeps asking me if I'm ovulating yet (I'm not on the pill and I haven't had a period so I'm tracking my LH to figure out if I'm cycling again) but I don't think he's asking because he wants to start trying again but rather because he doesn't. He keeps saying things about not being able to handle the 3 we have, or they're enough right now. I don't know how to ask him about it without it starting a fight. How can he say that 3 is too much with out me thinking that he didn't want Gilbert at all, and that he wasn't affected by his death.
Then there's the whole side of getting pregnant again. How do I move beyond the desire to have Gilbert back, to the desire to have another child. I don't want to get pregnant in order to replace Gilbert, yet so often that's what I think I'm doing subconsciously. I also feel like I'm wanting to be pregnant just to BE pregnant- to prove to myself that I can do it and that there's nothing wrong with me. But there is something wrong with me, I'm depressed, I don't want to admit it because of all the stigma that goes with it but it's true. There's no two ways about it. I have highs and lows, I get so annoyed so quickly, and I don't feel like doing anything most of the time.
Didn't want to write this post but I just had to. Since I haven't been able to talk about it, I had to blog about it. Maybe through this I can heal faster, and get over this hump, without having to go on any meds. Meds are good for some things but for this I really think that meds will just mask the issue and then if I go off the meds then I'll end up deeper in depression. Thank you all for listening to me. If you feel lead, please pray. I can't stay like this much longer.
God Bless you all

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Not back in Full Swing....

But getting close.
So Sunday and Monday I spent way too much time working with my serger. For some reason when I replaced one of the loopers I could not get it to work right. I did find the right settings once but then as soon as I tried again it stopped chaining all together. As much as I'm into fixing it myself I could not find any helpful information on this great World Wide Web so I have surrendered and excepted defeat. I will take it to the shop in town and see if they can help me adjust it right so it works again but it might be a week or two before I do that.
In the mean time I began working on my brides maids dress for my best friends wedding. Well, I haven't really started on the real dress, I am making one out of Muslin because it's cheap. I have seen so many other sewers transfer the pattern from the thin paper to muslin and make a mock up of the garment then ripping it apart and using the muslin as the new stronger and tailored pattern. So that is what I'm doing. Yesterday I washed, dryed and cut out my pattern pieces. This afternoon I transfered all the instructions over to the fabric and began to sew the bodice together. Tonight when the kids were in bed I pulled it back out and finished it. Well, Almost. I didn't put in a zipper, or the lining and interfacing. It fits pretty well, though when I tried it on I was wearing a tank top and pj pants so there might be a need for some fine tuning but probably not too much.
Without further adieu here is the dress in all it's unbleached glory, and the pic from the pattern cover.
I'm going to take out some of the gathers in the front (I added more than was in the original pattern) and I might add a little width to the skirt to give it better flow. So I guess I might have to cut out another skirt to test it but that's just 3 pieces not too bad. It's better that I get it right with the muslin than to totally mess up the with the satin right?
In other news, I go in tomorrow for my two week appointment. They should have the results from the placental analysis and most of the blood work if not all. I don't think they will give me anymore insight into the physical cause of death but at least I'll know what my blood was saying at the time. I will have to have at least one blood test to see if my hCg has gone down to 0 but I'm going to ask if they can do a full hormone panel to check all my levels to see how close I am to being back to 'normal' what ever that means.
Have a wonderful day to anyone whos reading and God bless. I have another post that is in the works but it will have to wait for another night. Right now I must get a shower and hit the hay.

Friday, July 31, 2009

7 Days a Week Does Make...

…and a couple more days thrown in for good measure.
This past week has been such a blur. So much has happened in such a small span of time that I hardly know where to begin. I guess the beginning is the best place to start. Now I know that I started this blog to write about all my crafting ideas but for the next short while I will be using it to get out all my thoughts about the miscarriage. And to keep it all straight I’m going to write in bullet point format today.
Saturday July 25- We drove up to Sacramento to pick my mom up at the airport then we headed straight back home. On the way up there we needed to stop at Target for some eye drops because I had cried till my eyes were completely dry. While walking through the store I turned too soon and went right through the baby stuff. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I watched as people stared at this very pregnant women crying in the baby isle. If only they had known that my womb was no longer a home but a grave. I quickly found Ben and we left as quickly as possible. By the time we got back home it was time to put the kids to bed. I was so tired but I just couldn’t go to bed. It was around 1230 before I went to bed but I did not sleep more than 3 hours the whole night. Sunday July 26th- We didn't go to church, I just couldn't be there talking to everyone, hearing the "I'm sorry's" and seeing the sadness in others eyes. I slept in till about 930, took a shower, hoping it would help me feel better. It didn't. I spent a large part of the morning looking up information on Crematories in the area and trying to find prices. I didn't call anyone because I couldn't talk at all about it. I felt so disheartened when I could only find prices for adult cremations which were $500-$800. I just couldn't see anyone charging that much for such a tiny little body. All through the weekend I went in and out of denial and acceptance. I mean, how could I truly accept that my baby was gone when he was still inside my womb? I could feel his tiny little body; I couldn't believe that his heart was not beating. And I believe in miracles and was praying for one for my family. I spent about 3 hours in bed during the afternoon. Ben asked me if I thought that being in bed was the best thing for me and of course I said “YES!” I didn’t know if it truly was the BEST thing for me to do but it was the only thing I wanted to do. I finally got up and reluctantly we went out to eat. I hated walking around with my pregnant belly looking extremely sad. Once again I found myself in Target this time avoiding the baby department completely; we needed diapers so I sent Ben to grab those while mom and I went to the toys with the kids.
After putting the boys to bed Ben and I were watching Love finds a Home (the last movie/book in the Love Comes Softly series) and at the end the heroin tells her husband that she is pregnant and as they began to walk off, he starts talking about baby names and one of the names (though I'm not sure that he actually said it or if it was just what God wanted me to hear) was Jasper. I looked over at Ben and told him that I liked that name and he said that he could live with Jasper. Now I know this might sound strange but hearing that name allowed me to accept that my little Gilbert Ryan was in heaven with our Lord. See, just the day before we found out that Gilbert was gone and a day after I had last hear his heart; God gave us the name Gilbert for him. Though we weren’t totally sure that we would name him Gilbert Thursday we were sure on Friday afternoon. In the Bible God often named his children or changed their names, i.e. Abram became Abraham, Jacob became Israel, and when David's son (borne of Bathsheba) died God sent Nathan to David and told him that he was to name the child Jedidiah because God loved him. Well hearing the name Jasper was like God promising a future child for us, which gave me hope to move forward and to truly give Gilbert Ryan (bright promised Prince) over into the hands of the Father. I’ll tell you more about Jasper in a little while.
Monday July 27th- I went to the doctor at 9 in the morning and she really wanted me to go right up to L&D and start the induction process. I was still thinking that I really wanted to wait till Tuesday to start everything because there were still things that needed to be taken care of. And for the most part she was okay with me waiting but when we did another ultrasound to confirm his death we saw a blood clot on the uterine side of the placenta. Now it didn't seem like it would quickly come loose and cause any problems but there was no way to be completely sure that it wouldn't quickly tear away if I went into labor on my own. So after crying and talking and going over all the risk of waiting and the risk of going forward we decided that it was time. I told her that I had to go home and tell the kids were I was and what was going to happen since all they knew was that I was going to the doctor and they were expecting mommy home. So we went home I ate some breakfast and gave the kids a kiss and told them that I would be back but possibly not that night. I went on FB and told everyone that I was going in and that it shouldn't take too long maybe 12 hours (remember this number) We got back to the hospital at 1030 and got checked in. I had the best nurses through out our stay. The docs came in and we talked about what we were going to do. Just before 1130 Dr. S came in and we got ready to start the cytotec. The first round was started at 1130ish. It was a pretty slow start, every 4 hours we did another round. I was having contractions but they didn't feel like contractions because they were so low inside my pelvis. Mom was with me this whole time and just after dinner Ben came up with the kids. We called our neighbor (who told us to call if we need anything) and asked if she would be able to watch the kids for a while since Ben hadn’t been with me all day. He took the kids over there loaded with their PJ’s and diapers and such then came back to the hospital. At 8 the doctor came in and checked me and started another round and told me that I was still only at 1cm but my cervix was thinning out so it was working. I told mom and Ben to go home because it could still be another 8 hours. I am now telling you all - DON'T LISTEN TO ME!!!! Okay so they went home and got the kids from the neighbors and put them to bed. We had already talked with our neighbor about what we would do if it happened before morning and she was ready to just come over and stay with the kids while they slept. I finished watching Secret Life and then I tried to sleep. I was able to practice my toning through the contractions but after an hour I rolled over to my left side and very quickly the contractions were on top of each other and were so super strong that I couldn't stand it. My new nurse came in because we were having trouble with the monitor reading the contractions. I told her that they were really strong and then all of a sudden I felt wetness. I was bleeding. She checked me and thought that she was feeling his head so we called the doctor (who had probably just brushed her teeth and lay down in bed) and then Ben. Ben ran over to the neighbors' who was sitting out in the yard with the other neighbors and she ran right over. By the time everyone got there I was passing a lot of blood and some large clots. When the doc checked me she didn't feel his head but I was very close to the 5cm that was needed to deliver. Just before 1130pm I was in so much pain, the contractions were non stop but my body was fighting against pushing. Mom ran out in the hall and called them all down and by the time Dr. S sat on the bed he was coming. He was officially born at 1131pm (remember how long I said on FB and what time we started the meds?), weighing 5.6 oz and 7.5in long. I held him for what seemed like forever but wasn't quite long enough. He was perfect for an 18wk baby. Everything was formed, all but the soft cartilage in the tip of his nose and his ears, which normally doesn't form till around the 21st week or so. His skin was so thin you could see his bones and some of his organs. We just sat there holding him and looking him all over, I think I counted his fingers and toes over 20 times. I marveled at his fingernails, all 20 digits had a perfect little nail. Ben went home around 1230 or 1 to relieve our neighbor, before he left they gave me a half dose of Stadol (sp?) because I was in so much pain I couldn't hold on to Gilbert anymore. The meds knocked me out completely- I could hear everyone and everything but I couldn't move, I could still feel the contractions but they weren't as bad. I finally delivered the placenta around 330 but it didn't come out as easily as we'd hoped and after a quick exam and the very large clot that passed just before the placenta doc decided that the best thing would be for me to go to the OR and have her scrape off the uterine wall to make sure that there weren't any fragments of placenta left behind. (Little medical lesson- even a small piece of retained placenta can cause severe hemorrhaging). So the anesthesiologist came in and we talked about what meds to use for the procedure and since I was not having anything stuck into my spine we decided to use general anesthesia. I drank this awful tasting liquid and was out before we made it out the door. It took me forever to come out of it. I woke up fairly fast but felt in a fog the entire morning. I also lost a lot of blood, not enough for a transfusion but enough to make me very weak. I pray that I never have to feel like that again. I was not myself. I couldn't even hold Gilbert's small basket that they put him in. Mom sat him on the bed next to me so I could look at him and talk to him.
Tuesday July 28th- Later that morning, Ben came by for mom to take her and the kids to eat breakfast. They all came up after they ate (the nurse took Gilbert to another room so the kids didn't see him- with the skin so thin he was a purplish red color and we didn't want the kids to see him that way) and I played as much as I could with the kids but I was still pretty weak and dizzy so after about an hour Ben took them all home. Mom was starting to feel sick so she went home to lie down for a while. I stayed at the hospital even though I could have gone home, because I wanted to make sure that I was okay and that my blood levels were coming back up before I went home, and I just couldn't pull myself away from Gilbert. After what seemed like a very long day Ben came back up and we signed the papers stating that we didn't want an autopsy, and the release form for the funeral home. I said goodbye to my little boy and we were released. I spent a lot of Tuesday evening in bed and on the couch. I didn't sleep well all night, I was in such pain. I had 800mg Motrin but it didn't help with the muscle pain in my back.
Wednesday July 29th – That morning I tried for an hour to reach the OB clinic to talk to or leave a message with the doctor about the pain, but no one ever answered. So I called up to L&D and talked with the nurse that had been with me Monday and Tuesday and told her what was going on and she paged the doctor for me. I talked to the doc about 15 minutes later and she said that she would put in a script for a muscle relaxer. We picked it up at the hospital and then went to the funeral home to make all the arrangements for the cremation. (While at the hospital on Monday we were told that one of the local funeral homes does cremations of still births free, I was so relieved, that was one less thing that I had to think about.) Not something I ever thought that I would do, and definitely not something I ever thought I could get through. We then headed back to Sacramento. I slept most of the way up there, I was still very weak and the meds hadn’t kicked in to help my back. We found a hotel and went to get some dinner. Mom stayed at the hotel because she still was not feeling well.
Thursday July 30th- Mom flew out Thursday morning and then we headed back towards home. Mom gave us money to take the kids to Chuck E cheese, so we ate lunch in Fresno and then took them over to CEC and spent $20 on tokens and let them play for an hour and a half. They still weren’t completely sure of all that was going on and there was no reason to keep them from having fun. I went to the bathroom and had a break down for about 5 minutes. Why I would break in CEC is beyond me but I did. We then went to Color Me Mine, a pottery painting place in town to pick out the urn for Gilbert. The boys painted it (with a little bit of help from us). I'm not sure how it's going to turn out but at least they were a part of it and if in 10 years they want to make a new one for him then they can.
Friday July 31st- Today was spent doing nothing- I didn't get up till 10 and Ben had taken the kids out to the exchange to pick out some movies for the weekend then he got a hair cut (I think- to tell you the truth I didn't pay too much attention to his hair when he got home or all day). I spent some time upstairs lying down later in the afternoon then got up got dressed, thinking we were going to go get something for dinner but by the time I got down stairs Ben already had dinner mostly finished. So we ate then I went up to the exchange for a little while, looking for one of those post partum wrap things but no luck. So I grabbed razors for Ben and Benedryl for Mia and Chocolate for momma, then a Fruitisia thing from Taco Bell and came home.
While putting the boys down for bed, Nathian asked (though he has been told quite a few times) where Gilbert was. That was an extremely hard conversation. I told him that Gilbert was in heaven with Jesus and the angels; He didn't really like that answer- He told me that he wanted Gilbert to be with us. I told him that I wanted him to be here too and that I didn't really understand why he had to be in heaven but that Jesus would love him and take care of him so much better than we could. I told him that we would see Gilbert again when we died and went to heaven. He looked at me and said that he didn't want to die, and I told him that he wouldn't die till he was really old and then he said, " I don't want to get old, I want to be a pilot when I grow up" Of course I told him that he could still be a pilot. I told him that I was sad and it was okay for him to be sad, and that we needed to help each other out. He seemed to be okay once I said goodnight and went to sleep rather quickly. I know that we will be talking about this for a while but I don't think it's going to get any easier.
So that was the last 7 days in a nut shell (a coconut that is).
Saturday August 1st- A whole week since we were told that our little boy was gone. I didn’t really want to be out and about but I knew that I needed to do something else besides thinking about Gilbert. We went out to town for lunch and to find water wings for the kids- and if you’re wondering NO ONE has basic water wings this late in the summer. We then went over to a friends’ house for a birthday party for their son who was in Lincoln’s preschool class. It was good to be out and talk to people and not center all my thoughts on Gilbert.
Sunday August 2nd- I didn’t want to but I decided that I needed to go to church. Someone was already coving me in the nursery so I knew that all I really needed to do was go sit and leave if I really wanted to when it was all over. I felt so loved while there. I was really glad that I went instead of staying home feeling sorry for myself. We went to lunch then went to Target –yes again- but they didn’t have what I needed so we drove across the street to Wal-Mart and this time I went in by myself so I could get in and out faster. I got what I needed and got out of there. We came home and the kids played and ran around with Charlie till bed time.
And now it’s Monday August 3rd- and I am doing good. Ben is back at work and we are back to our normal routine. I still want my little prince back inside me kicking and rolling around but I have a great peace-supernatural actually- because I know that my little prince is now resting in the arms of the King. I am sure that if I had given birth to a healthy baby boy and had nursed him and changed his diapers and watched him grow and then he suddenly died, I would have a much harder time dealing with it. But as it is I know that God is going to work this pain for my good and for His glory. Now I still don’t understand the Why’s and the How’s, all I know is that God is God and He is the one that I trust. Some people have told me that I am strong, but really I am so very weak, and I have doubts and fears and I hide away, but that is just what God needs. He can only be strong when I’m weak and He is faithful even when I am full of the doubts and fears of tomorrow. I when I have to hide away He is there to shelter me in the shadow of His mighty wing. So when you see me standing on my two feet, look closer and you will see the hand of God holding me upright. I would not be here, except for Grace.
And a little extra: While having a discussion on FB with my cousins and Aunt we were discussing my mother's maiden name Elliott. My cousin told me that I was an Elliott and even though he didn't know what that meant, I would get through this. I wrote back and told him that being part Elliott meant that half of me was too stubborn to let anything stand in my way. My Aunt wrote in and told me that it meant that I would "Survive". Well all that talk sent me looking up the name Elliott and you would not believe what I found (well you would if you've looked it up or if you read my FB status). It means "My God is the Lord". Seriously how cool is that? I truly think that I have a middle name for the next son that God brings us. Jasper Elliott- Treasure whose’ God is the Lord.

Friday, July 24, 2009


I don't even know where to begin or what to say. My heart has never hurt this much. How is it possible to miss someone you never got a chance to meet while they're still nessled warm inside you? I just heard his heart on Tuesday and felt him move inside me, how can he be gone? How do you heal from this kind of loss? How do I talk to the kids about it without breaking down completely? How do they heal? How do you move on and go about the everyday when your little boy is still inside your womb. How do I not blame myself? The nurse who did the ultra sound told me that it looked like something happened with the placenta. But how do I not think that it was the Motrin I took for the migraines, or the benadryl that I had every night. How do I not wonder if thing would have turned out different had I just went ahead with all the prenatal test at the beginning? How do I not think that maybe because I so much wanted a girl that I somehow unconsciously spoke death over my little boy? How do I not ask WHY everytime I see another pregnant woman? I don't know any of the answers, not even one, But I am thankful that I know the ONE who knows all the answers to all my questions. It soothes my doubts and calms my fears, And it dries all, all my tears. The blood that gives me strength from day to day, It will never lose its power. As hard as it is to believe right now that God will work this out for His glory I have to. If I don't hold on to His faithfulness I know that it would be easy to fall into the trap that Satan is trying to set for me. I really just feel like crawling in bed and not coming out ever again but that is exactly what I can't do. I will take a few days to be alone with my family and some time by myself but I know that I have to get back in the world and show Satan that he will not get the upper hand. God will prevail!!! Jesus conquered death, hell and the grave. I will see my baby boy again someday, but for now he rest in the arms of my savior, who loves him more than I could ever love him. I'm now going to sit and eat pizza with my husband and my three amazing children. Give your babies another kiss tonight and always remember that we are not promised tomorrow only that Jesus would be with us always. Good night

Monday, June 22, 2009

Baby Stuff and Randomness

Well it's been a few weeks and while I'm still nauseous 75% of the time with headaches plaguing 50% of that time I thought I'd take some time to post. DH has been gone for over 2 weeks now but is due back no later than this Friday. The boys are really missing him and can't understand that he will be home in just a few days. You'd think I was telling them that he's not going to be home for a year the way the react. The last 2 weeks have been very trying. The house is a disaster. No, literally a disaster- there is stuff everywhere, I have been so sick that I haven't been able to get things done and when I do feel good I'm doing the bare minimum, like dishes and some laundry so we have clean clothes, but not picking up toys or coloring books and crayons or balls of yarn that the kids have decided to throw at each other. Last week I did clean most of the kitchen- everything but the island, that thing is going to need a miracle- I even got down on my hands and knees, okay so I sat on my bum most of the time but that's not the point, and I scrubbed to floor clean. I bought 2 different mop heads cause I couldn't remember what I needed for our mop but neither of them fit and the floor had to be cleaned. It was so beautiful for about 3 days then one day the boys went outside dug in the dirt for about an hour then came inside wearing half the yard in their shorts and then the dog- well need I say more? I wasn't going to be doing any projects this month with Ben gone but, after reading one of the blogs that I read faithfully I just had to start a project. She pointed me to this blog which does wonderful mission projects. So I started a blanket and will be starting a hat and maybe booties if I can get at least halfway done with the blanket by the weekend. I wish I was a faster knitter/crocheter cause I would love to make a million layette sets for this project. But Alas, I am not too quick with the stitch so one set will have to do. So on the baby front, I haven't had any more issues with bleeding so I'm very happy about that. I go in the 8th for my 16 wk appointment and hopefully we will be able to find out the sex. The other day as I was listening to the heartbeat I thought I might have heard 2 heartbeats. I listened again later that night and could get two different beats again but if there are 2 we will find out in just over a week I guess. I have had three ultra sounds so far and none of them showed another baby but they also didn't really do a lot of moving around to check for 2. The last one that I had showed another sac like structure but the doc didn't press in to see it closer (mostly because it was a vaginal US and I was bleeding and my cervix was really hurting with the probe pushing on it). I haven't gained any weight so far but I am huge. I've had to wear maternity pants since 6 weeks pg, it could be just because this is #4 or it could be that there are 2 babies in here. Which ever it is, 1 or 2, I think I'll be okay. Although an extra baby will make it extra hard to keep up with the house, but if it is 2 then the next few months will be spent getting this house to the bare minimum (not like it doesn't need to happen anyway but it will happen a lot sooner). We never got to have a yard sale and I'm thinking that we wont be having one anytime soon so when Ben gets home he's loading it all up and taking it to the Salvation Army. I really wanted to be able to use the money from the sale to help out with cloth diapering stuff but right now I think just getting the stuff out of the garage is more important. I'm getting so frustrated with all the stuff everywhere, I don't want the kids to grow up in clutter like I did. This is such a hard curse to break out of. My mom grew up in a mess, so we ended up living in a cluttered mess and now my sister and I tend to have a lot of clutter and have a hard time keeping things cleaned up. So this summer things are going to change. We are going to clear out the junk and not buy anything else till it's all gone, and then only what we really need. I'm hoping that we can get a new couch this fall when we get our bonus but I'm not holding my breath, I also want a new camera so that's going to take a large chunk of the money and we need some stuff for the baby (and if there's 2 well, that's another bed, extra diapers etc etc) Well that's all I have time to write about and I'm sorry if it's really boring stuff. I hope to have some better post soon but I can't promise anything as there are 3 kids running around here and a baby inside still making me sick and a crazy house that seems to get messed up without anyone in it. I'll do what I can when I can I promise you that much. Thank you to anyone that actually reads my blog, not sure just how many people read it or would want to but I'm going to keep posting just in case there is someone that reads it and someday I actually say something profound and a life is changed. God Bless you all Jenn

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Just a quick pic

I made a dress for Mia on Saturday night out of a pillowcase that I got from Ben's dad while home this past February. My friend Lauren inspired me to get going on it when she made this dress for her daughter.

So without many more words here it is.... This was super easy other than working with the elastic. I used Lauren's suggestion of incasing the elastic for the waist band before sewing it into the dress. It really helped and I'm sure it made it a lot more comfortable for her to wear. I plan on making a headband out of the rest of the fabric. So that's it.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Trying to take pictures

The following was typed last Friday May 22nd. I was trying to get a couple of pictures taken but didn't get it done till today. I know that it is wordy, I haven't been able to really grasped the ability to be concise. Thank you for bearing with me as I learn to write more fluently.
This past week has been really a rough one. On Sunday night (17th)I started bleeding. I was no doubt terrified. I called the doc Monday morning and I went in to see them but the person scheduling the appointment messed up and scheduled it with the nurse as a first appointment instead of with the doc or the NP. (and if you know anything about military hospitals they basically suck when it comes to fitting an emergency walk-in in at the clinic) So they sent me down to the urgent care clinic where I waited for almost an hour in a makeshift dental/optometry room. When the doctor finally walked in he looked at me with a smile on his face and said "how are you doing today?" so of course my response was, " What?! How could you ask me that? have you not looked at my chart?" He said, "Well maybe I should leave and come back and we can be nice." I about lost it on him! I mean really, how could someone walk into the room of woman who is terrified that her baby is gone and ask with a smile how they are doing? And then get mad when she get upset and starts crying?! When they finally moved me to a real room the nurse came in and told me that OB clinic wanted the doc there at the UC clinic to do a pelvic, I of course told her that I did not want to see that man again and wanted to wait for the OB. So she told the doctor and he came in anyway. He started talking and then looked to his left and saw Ben and the kids sitting there and said, with complete shock on his face and in his voice, "Oh, you're here" -Yeah my husband came with me to the doctor. He told me that it was fine that I waited for OB but that they needed to start the lab work. He walked over to me to check my heart and lungs and when he finished, he asked why my heart was tacky. I don't know why would my heart be running on the fast side? What in the world could have made it do that- Maybe because YOU were in the room with me- Of course I did not say that to him as I didn't want to tick him off anymore. The tech came in and drew blood then I had to pee in a cup and all that jazz, then they sent me back down to OB- 2hours after I was scheduled to see someone and after my pulse rate started climbing. Ben left to go pick up Nathian from school and then the nurse called me back. My pulse had slowed down a bit but was still above 100. She took me to my room I got ready for the doc, he came in and ran the pelvic, and told me that there was no more active bleeding and that he didn't feel anything unusual. He did an internal US and he turned the screen toward me and there she was, my perfect little peanut with a beautiful flicker in the center of her chest. I couldn't help but cry. Heart rate of 160, absolutely perfect. Well with all the stress of that morning I didn't eat much, then after it was over, I couldn't eat I was too excited. By dinner I could only choke down a bite of food. I woke up so nauseous Tuesday morning, throwing up 4 times before noon. Every time I put a bite or a drink in my mouth it came back out along with anything else that was in my stomach. I called the nurse and asked her just how long she thought I should wait before coming in (when this happened while I was pregnant with Lincoln I waited 2 or 3 days before letting Ben take me in) and she told me that if I couldn't keep down a plan baked potato to get in and get an IV and some meds. And that is what I did. After calling Ben home to take Nathian to his speech eval at 1, and throwing up again at 2, I ate the potato around 4 and thought that I was feeling fine, but I thought wrong. About 20 minutes after it went down it came back, by 445 I was at the Urgent care again, and wouldn't you know it, they were so busy. They got me back and weighed me in- I had already lost 3 lbs since Monday. It took about 40 minutes to get the IV but I wasn't really feeling sick during that time. I didn't mind the wait because there were 3 little ones in there that needed to have IV's also and they needed them more and sooner then me. They filled me up with the fluid then gave me the meds in the IV line then once again I had to peeinacup, then about 30 minutes later they sent me home. I went straight to McD's for some fries and a cheese burger. I have been feeling pretty good ever since, unless I get hungry. I hope that wasn't too much information for you and if you're still with me I promise the rest of the post will be about some of the projects I've been working on.
Okay so I know I said that I would post over a week ago but I haven't been able to get pics done for the post so I've been putting it off. But now I'm going to post even if I don't get the pics up right now.
I decided that with the new baby we are going to try our hands at cloth diapers. When Nathian was born we did use cloth at the very begining but he was throwing up so much (he had pyloric stenosis) that I used the diapers to catch all that mess and bought disposables for the bum. Now that I've had 3 kids and used disposables with each of them I decided that I didn't want to keep up that trend. I want to do something better not only for my kids body, but also for the earth that we call home. So with that said I've been working on knitting wool soakers for her. I have two finished so far. (now I'm almost finished with one that MckMama would be so proud of.)They really worked up fast, the hardest part for me is knitting the first row using the circular needles. I decided to try to first put them on double points then take them off with the circle the first needle change. The newborn size is just so small until the ribbing starts taking shape to have on the circulars without stretching it too much.
I'm also starting to make some diapers themselves. I haven't decided which ones I really want to use as there are so many out there but I figure that I can make a few contoured ones and a few pocket ones, and buy one pack of flat folds, then I can decide within the first week which ones I really like. I think that I will like the contoured one best but I want to try others to make sure that is what I really want to use. I'm going to also sew some covers with some wool sweaters that I bought at GoodWill. I'm going to hit the Salvation Army when they have their half price day and try and find a few more wool items and flannel sheets/blankets. I would love to find some wool flannel at a thrift shop but so far no luck. I'll wait till I get a 50%off coupon from JoAnn's and some extra money (October) and go buy a bolt.
What else have I been up to?...... Well I finished a purse for my best friend. I am working on a wallet to go with it but me and zippers don't get along that well so I've been procrastinating for the last week. So while I was procrastinating I started on a new purse for me. The one that I made a while back has been used and abused and I just need one that is a bit taller with more pockets and in a much more wearable color. I'm going to try and put together a tutorial when I start to work it (it's been cut but it's all just stacked together at this point).
I started a new dress for myself. I bought a dress at Target last summer that fits really well, but it hits just above the knee and even though it will fit throughout the HOT season here I think as the belly gets bigger the front will start to rise too much. So I started making a long one. It has a peasant look to it with an elastic shirred empire waistband. As I get it to a photogenic point I'll post a few pics.
Thank you for reading and I hope I didn't bore you too much. I will post pics very very soon. This time I really mean it.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Has it been too Long?

It has been a long time since I have posted anything. Not that things haven't been happening and I haven't been doing things but I just haven't been feeling up to posting. I've been reading so many other blogs and spending so much time on Facebook that I just haven't wanted to post and quite frankly didn't think there was much that anyone would want to read.
I so often feel like I'm a nobody doing nothing worthwhile. And even though I still kind of feel that way I figure that maybe someone will read my blog and be inspired, who knows?. But even if no one ever reads it I will have a jornaling of a that I have done and thought and wanted to do.
So for what has been going since my last post last November. . . .
Well, I made a king size quilt for our
neighbors who moved in December.
I fought with the mortgage company for almost a month because they dropped the ball on our short sale and the buyer had to finally walk and so we didn't sell the house.
Had a very small Christmas for the kids since Ben was still gone. I found a surrogate company on New Years day that I started communicating with, and in turn got connected with a woman who was wanting a surrogate to carry a child for her. Ben finally came home in the middle of January. We went home in February and also met the Intended mom in Indiana. We also spent the morning with our old neighbors who moved in December and delivered the quilt. We had family pictures taken while in Illinois and then while in Tennessee we lost our prints somewhere. In March we started on the fast track towards surrogacy. I regestared for a Doula class at the end of March here in Fresno and scheduled my first appointment with the Fertility doctor. Went to the Doctor on the 27th and had my IUD removed. Went to my doula training that night and all weekend. Met some amazing girls at the training. Our instructors were Christian women who have been in the birth world for 30+ years. Also all the girls at the training were Christians, and not just the "sure I'm a christian" kind of christians but real honest to goodness sold out God fearing believers. That basically leads us to around today.
So more about the surrogacy. Well after the appointment on the 27th I started getting this really weird feeling about it all. So I talked to Ben about it and he had not had a settled feeling about the whole thing for a while but didn't know how to tell me because he knew how much I want to be a surrogate. Well then I decided to talk to the ladies at the training on Saturday about it all and asked them to pray with me. They did and we all talked and our trainers gave me their wisdom on the subject. So when I got home on Suday night I emailed the surrogate agent and told her that we really needed some time to pray and talk about it. The next day I got an email from the mom and so I had to email the agent again because she was suppose to talk to her for me. Then the next day I got an email from the agent asking me what I wanted to do about the contracts and stuff. I didn't respond right away and so she emailed me again and the tone of the email sounded really pushy. I told her that she needed to put the contracts on hold and that we wanted to be left alone for a few days to pray and seek God's heart on this. A couple of days later I found out that the IM (intended mom) removed me from her friends list on Myspace and her status report seemed to imply that I had hurt her in someway and that she was ready to walk away. So with that and our strong feelings that this was not the right person for us to surrogate for I emailed them and told them that we couldn't continue on. (A big part of the uneasiness was that I would be using my eggs and she is 45 and single and did not have any intentions of getting married- and I did not feel like I could in all good conscience give away my child- also they were really not listening to me when I kept telling them that if I didn't get pregnant by the middle of April then I couldn't not get pregnant till September or later because of Ben's deployment schedule) So by April 5th we had completely put the surrogacy thing behind us and moved on. Well about 10 days later I starting thinking that something was up with my cycle because I had been using ovulation test to avoid getting pregnant but I didn't get a positive one till day 21 of my cycle which was very unusual. Not only that but I got a positive one 3 days in a row- again strange because you only have one hormone surge no more than 36 hours before you ovulate- however the hormone that releases the egg is almost identical to the hormone released when an egg is fertilized and an ovulation test will pick it up too. Well, so, on the 15th (day 22) I took a preg test but it basically came back neg- basically because there was no line until after the 10 minute window and even then the line was very very faint. So I waited, I even ordered more ovulation test on Thursday. I received my test on Saturday along with 5 pregnancy test. Sunday morning I bit the bullet (after taking an ovulation test everyday all with very positive results) and although still faint it was definantly positive. I had no clue how I was going to tell Ben, he did not want any more kids. On Tuesday I took Lincoln to his 4 yr physical and since we were at the hospital I went to the OB clinic and they put an order for me take a blood test. I walked over gave them a vial then took Lincoln back to the peds clinic. He had a great physical and then we walked back down to the OB clinic and got the results of the test. And yes I was indeed prego again. That night while laying in bed I just blurted out "I'm Pregnant". Ben was in stunned silence for about 5 minutes. We talked about it for a little while and then finally we said goodnight with out really making anything positive happen. We didn't really talk about it again for a few days then finally he asked me what we were going to name her. SO it is starting to sink in and he's coming to terms with it all.
Now I know that this hasn't been a very inspirational post and it probably didn't send anyone out to buy fabric and start creating something great but at least now I am up to date and I can just start posting all the stuff that I'm doing.
So till tomorrow (or maybe Sunday night since I will be very busy tomorrow with a birthday party and dinner with Ben's new boss I will be pretty ready for bed by the time we walk in the door) But I have been working on a lot of stuff that I can't wait to share.
Have a great night everyone and to all the moms that may read this have a very wonderful Mother's day. God Bless.